A Pen Portrait of our Visitors: Ryman League Division 1 (South) 2016/7

This is a piss-take, right?

No. Well, yes. No.  These clubs and all the others up and down the land at a similar level (and Runcorn) are what football’s about. OK, the standard is often more Harry Kane in Euro 2016 than Harry Kane in most of his club matches (other players who were s**t in the Euros are available). These guys are still better than you (I) ever were (was), even if that stretches belief sometimes. Also, these are all clubs kept going by people who care, one of whom maybe repainted that barrier you’re leaning on (it’s still wet lol (made you look lol)), who sometimes wonder why the left-back is being given money when he does that stupid bloody thing ALL DAY. On a good day the 1000, 700, 400, 30 or whatever of you go home feeling as good as anyone leaving their bloody Theatre Of Dreams. Go to the game, have a pint or three, get worked-up about their dirty bastard number 4 , moan, go home and smash the furniture (Eight-Bloody-One!) . Next week go to an away game. Have fun. You’re winning, even if that useless mob aren’t..

Carshalton Athletic


“Pure Football” says the crappy Pitchero website. We’ll be the judges of that.

Look, I don’t know who did their logo but the more I look at it the more worried I get. Just me I expect.

13/8/16 First Game – Horsham away.

Predicted League Position: 9th

Chatham Town



Met some nice people from Chatham last season, good community thing going on. So I’m going to leave them alone. For the town of Chatham, see also: Shangri-La, Utopia etc.

13/8/16 First Game -Three Bridges away.

Predicted League Position: 9th




Chipstead started last season as though they meant to get relegated as soon as possible, then appeared to change their minds.

They’ve recently  been to Le Touquet, which is nice.

People keep telling me where Chipstead is but I keep forgetting. Chipstead FC then told me I’d got it wrong anyhow.

13/8/16 First Game -Lewes @ home.

Predicted League Position: 9th





Famously don’t pay their players. At all. Amateur ethos and all that. Bet they get a shitload of exes though. Note to lawyer: by “shitload” I mean “hardly any”.

Chocolate & pink shirts like that ice cream your mum used to buy. Or like that hoody Jamie’s mate Olly always used to wear. You know, the one that said he’d lend you his beard oil that time.

Incidentally & seriously,  this book by Terry Morris is a seriously good history of amateur football. Recommended.

13/8/16 First Game -Whyteleafe @ home.

Predicted League Position: 9th

Cray Wanderers




Oh hallo!. Promoted last season. Bloke (turns out he’s the Chairman, lol) had a Cray Wanderers flag on a flat by the railway near Lewisham during the euros.

Hey they’re getting a new stadium! Looking good.

CrayWdrs_New _Stadium
I think this is probably it. Is that that church you can see from the train?

13/8/16 First Game -Sittingbourne @ home.

Predicted League Position: 9th

Dorking Wanderers




From Dorking, which is in Surrey. Minted. I saw them in the Sussex County League a couple of seasons ago (at Eastbourne Town) throwing away a 3 goal lead. They haven’t done much of that since. Bastards.

13/8/16 First Game -Greenwich Borough @ home

Predicted League Position: 9th

 East Grinstead Town


Had a difficult season last year, following a difficult season the year before. We think they’ll have a difficult season, to compound the obvious difficulties of being from East Grinstead.

(I like their website; it has a nice unflashy (pun and no pun) layout with all the information you need easily found from the front page. It is amazing how many club sites can’t manage this small thing /rant).

13/8/16 First Game -Molesey away.

Predicted League Position: 9th

Faversham Town


Watford used to have a fanzine called Mud Sweat & Beers which my old pal Paul Baker used to write for. Faversham has both mud and beer so something to aim for lads.

Sorry, fell asleep. Next.

13/8/16 First Game -Walton Casuals away.

Predicted League Position: 9th

 Godalming Town


A warm welcome to the players, directors and supporters of Godalming Town as they make their debut in The Ryman League.

They look grim.

According to this thing here (see map below), Godalming is the westernmost club in the division, apart from Guernsey. This may be the first & last time Godalming is ever described as an “outpost” of anything.

I’m dead certain they wish they could have gone into the Southern League so that they could all go to Devon every fortnight. See also: Whyteleafe.

13/8/16 First Game -Hythe Town @ home.

Predicted League Position: 9th

Greenwich Borough



Welcome to newly-promoted Greenwich Borough, who play at Dartford while the builders are in at their new ground.

My boss lives about 10 minutes’ walk from their old ground but supports Fulham.

My boss is a wanker.

13/8/16 First Game -Dorking away.

Predicted League Position: 9th




Guernsey is an island whose people insist they are not French. Unlike noisy Charlie Hungerford neighbours Jersey,  Guernsey decided to be a proper football club rather than playing Sark all the time in dumb “internationals”.

In the light of recent events they may wish to negotiate a “Guexit” and go and play my other favourite team http://www.dinan-lehonfc.fr/ .

Their fans call every other club “dirty Northern bastards” which was certainly
a novelty in Hastings.

13/8/16 First Game -Ramsgate away.

Predicted League Position: 9th

Hastings United


The main stand at The Pilot Field is older than my mum. Like my mum it leaks a bit in the winter.

Sorry mum. I traduced you just for a joke. You may wish to cut me out of your will.

13/8/16 First Game – South Park @ Home

Predicted League Position: 1st

Herne Bay


That’s a heron. Good feet for a big fella.

13/8/16 First Game -Tooting away.

Predicted League Position: 9th





Horsham went away and now have come back again. I think this is probably a good thing.

These Young Men need to stop groundsharing with the YMCA though, fun though it may be to stay there.


There’s a very small chance you haven’t seen  this excellent drinking video from last season.

13/8/16 First Game -Carshalton @ home.

Predicted League Position: 9th

 Hythe Town


Seemingly nicely monied-up. Working on the principle that “if he ever played for Hastings he must be OK”. This is a theory that may be tested to destruction this season. Have they signed Richard Rose yet?

That bloody badge is stupid. Behave.

13/8/16 First Game -Godalming away.

Predicted League Position: 9th



The new Lewes badge (not shown) for 2016/17 is an heraldic redition described by the College of Heralds as”Barry Glendenning in a beach hut obdormivitWe like you really, Barry Glendenning.

Home Kit
“Stripes man, loads of fecking stripes.Wooooh!  And hoops, yeah. Stripes and hoops. Groovy. And those oblong things, wossnames”. “Seriously, is there any of that stuff left?”

Last Season: Relegated big time, but then “Division 1 South is more, like, real.”

Whyteleafe Supporter
You Again?

13/8/16 First Game -Chipstead away.

Predicted League Position: 9th



I did an entirely factual thing about Molesey last season so there’s that.

All I can get out of their website at time of writing is a blank white page and a whirly buffering thing. I haven’t got all day. Jeez.

13/8/16 First Game -East Grinstead @ home.

Predicted League Position: 9th




Far Far Away, donkey.

Goat, whatever.

“Had a rendezvous with Janet/ Quite near the Isle of Thanet”. Look it up kids.

13/8/16 First Game -Guernsey @ home.

Predicted League Position: 9th



Have a look at what I said about East Grinstead’s website. Then have a look at Sittingbourne’s. See what I mean?

The Twitter page says “Sittingbourne FC are a football club based in Sittingbourne”. Thank Heaven you cleared that up, Mr Effing Holmes.

13/8/16 First Game -Cray Wanderers away.

Predicted League Position: 2000th

South Park



Trust me, they’ve heard it all before. This is Reigate, not Colorado.
Their ‘keeper is just big-boned.

Average attendance: 1

13/8/16 First Game – Hastings away.

Predicted League Position: 9th

Three Bridges


From the website: “Three Bridges FC is the No. 1 non-League semi-professional Football Club in Crawley”.

Consider yourselves pwned, The No.2 non-League semi-professional Football Club in Crawley. Nyah.

13/8/16 First Game -Chatham @ home.

Predicted League Position: 9th

Tooting & Mitcham Utd


For Twitter get onto RogerRamone rather than the official Twitter feed which someone set up, followed 7 people then forgot about.

13/8/16 First Game -Herne Bay @ home.

Predicted League Position: 9th

Walton Casuals


According to their website “the Stags now boast over 450 youth players”. That many, they probably play Shrove Tuesday football rather than the dull version we’re used to.

Groundsharing with Whyteleafe this season. I hope they’ll be very happy together.

13/8/16 First Game -Faversham @ home.

Predicted League Position: 9th



I dealt with this lot last season .

If there were any justice Whyteleafe would be moved to the Southern League so they had to go to Devon all the time. That’d Harsh their Smug.

We love you really. It’s just we’re going to build a wall around Whyteleafe, and THEY’RE GOING TO PAY FOR IT.

Club motto “Qui Curat?”

13/8/16 First Game -Corinthian Casuals away.

Predicted League Position: 38th


The Ryman League

Its proper name is the Isthmian League. It used to be an amateur league for clubs in and about London, but now it’s a semi-pro league in the South East, at a level equivalent to (or even better than) the old Southern League. Ryman have sponsored it for years now because Theo Paphitis actually likes his football, proving that some rampant capitalist bastards are only rampant capitalist bastards most of the time. (Disclosure: he bought me a pint once but never knew it). I remember when it was the Rothmans’ Isthmian League ‘cos I’m old.

The Ryman Isthmian League

Yer fixtures.




3 thoughts on “A Pen Portrait of our Visitors: Ryman League Division 1 (South) 2016/7

  1. An entertaining read, but please amend Chipstead’s website to chipsteadfc.com, as we can ill-afford to lose any visiting fans in the midst of Kent-we are in Surrey!-thanks, TS

    Liked by 1 person

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